(no subject)
Dec. 31st, 2017 09:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
logans_girl2001Happy (early) New Year, dear friends!
I had planned to write this tomorrow while at my mother's doing laundry but since the weather is supposed to become bad, I came to her house today.
I have had a really rough year. From being so fucking lazy that my apartment got even more horrible to having to use almost all my savings just to make sure I can eat and pay all my bills each month. When my trip in October was canceled I had told myself that I would use the time to clean my apartment. But the first week, I just could not get off my fucking ass. And the second week I was very sick and slept most of each day.
Because of all this, I had to make the horrible and extremely difficult decision to not move again this year. I need to get my house in order and save up to move plus I don't think my credit score is high enough for me to rent an apartment (I've maxed almost all my cards).
I really hate to have to stay but refuse to allow movers to see how badly I keep house (I know they probably don't care but I do) plus I really want to do some major purging. And I want to save more money because I want to rent an apartment a month early and slowly move things I don't use everyday/non-furniture things so that all the movers have to move is my furniture.
To help me do this, I'm willing to give my number to anyone who wants to help motivate me to get off my ass and clean/purge. If you're willing to do this for/with me, feel free to message me.
Lately I've been feeling... I'm not really sure how to describe how I'm feeling but it has to do with how I annoy everyone just by existing.
Back in the beginning of December I overheard my co-workers talking. It was obvious they were planning on getting lunch the week before Christmas. One of our co-workers, J, reminded them that he was going to be out on the day they originally wanted to get lunch so they said they'd do it on the 18th (a Monday and a day I do not work). However, for some reason they did not. I know this because on the 19th (a Tuesday and my version of Monday), they ordered pizza. All of them: W, C, A, S, and J. That's right, they ordered pizza and didn't include me. I mean, I realize they all hate me, but that's a bit too much. Or at least I think it is but since my very existence annoys everyone...
And then Friday as I was leaving I overheard W talking to a woman who works in another department (she was supposed to come over to our team when A was out on maternity leave but for some reason didn't). W said 'You know when you come back, you'll be coming over here'. Not sure if she meant our team or just to our suite but it's enough to have my anxiety in overdrive.
I mean, if she's joining our team is it because someone is leaving or has W been given permission to add another biller? If someone's leaving, who? And are they getting fired or quitting? If someone's getting fired, is it me? If it's me, why? I haven't broken any rules lately (I know this because I haven't been reprimanded). I haven't even missed a day since my vacation which means I went to work when I really should have stayed home several times.
Another reason I feel this way is that my parents took me to dinner Thursday and I feel like I dominated the conversation.
And then there's the fact that my team totally ignored my birthday in favor of W's (see this post for a refresher of that).
But to be honest I've been feeling this way for a while.
Last year I met some online 'friends'* in person. Through actions, not words, I was left feeling like they preferred it when I wasn't around. I left with promises from several of them to keep in touch and none of them have. To be fair, neither have I but I don't want to be too annoying so I've not reached out (I lost some friends years ago due to being 'too smothering/clingy' so I go out of my way to not do this).
When I canceled for this year, only one or two responded that they were sad that I wouldn't be there (I wasn't even expecting that). I also feel like they didn't even miss me and would probably not mind if I never showed again.
So, I think I'm just gonna go sit in the corner and do my best to make myself invisible so as to not annoy anyone else ever again.
Oh, if you read this far, you can just ignore that part above about exchanging numbers to help me get my house in order.
*I use quotes because I never really interacted with any of them prior to meeting them.
I had planned to write this tomorrow while at my mother's doing laundry but since the weather is supposed to become bad, I came to her house today.
I have had a really rough year. From being so fucking lazy that my apartment got even more horrible to having to use almost all my savings just to make sure I can eat and pay all my bills each month. When my trip in October was canceled I had told myself that I would use the time to clean my apartment. But the first week, I just could not get off my fucking ass. And the second week I was very sick and slept most of each day.
Because of all this, I had to make the horrible and extremely difficult decision to not move again this year. I need to get my house in order and save up to move plus I don't think my credit score is high enough for me to rent an apartment (I've maxed almost all my cards).
I really hate to have to stay but refuse to allow movers to see how badly I keep house (I know they probably don't care but I do) plus I really want to do some major purging. And I want to save more money because I want to rent an apartment a month early and slowly move things I don't use everyday/non-furniture things so that all the movers have to move is my furniture.
To help me do this, I'm willing to give my number to anyone who wants to help motivate me to get off my ass and clean/purge. If you're willing to do this for/with me, feel free to message me.
Lately I've been feeling... I'm not really sure how to describe how I'm feeling but it has to do with how I annoy everyone just by existing.
Back in the beginning of December I overheard my co-workers talking. It was obvious they were planning on getting lunch the week before Christmas. One of our co-workers, J, reminded them that he was going to be out on the day they originally wanted to get lunch so they said they'd do it on the 18th (a Monday and a day I do not work). However, for some reason they did not. I know this because on the 19th (a Tuesday and my version of Monday), they ordered pizza. All of them: W, C, A, S, and J. That's right, they ordered pizza and didn't include me. I mean, I realize they all hate me, but that's a bit too much. Or at least I think it is but since my very existence annoys everyone...
And then Friday as I was leaving I overheard W talking to a woman who works in another department (she was supposed to come over to our team when A was out on maternity leave but for some reason didn't). W said 'You know when you come back, you'll be coming over here'. Not sure if she meant our team or just to our suite but it's enough to have my anxiety in overdrive.
I mean, if she's joining our team is it because someone is leaving or has W been given permission to add another biller? If someone's leaving, who? And are they getting fired or quitting? If someone's getting fired, is it me? If it's me, why? I haven't broken any rules lately (I know this because I haven't been reprimanded). I haven't even missed a day since my vacation which means I went to work when I really should have stayed home several times.
Another reason I feel this way is that my parents took me to dinner Thursday and I feel like I dominated the conversation.
And then there's the fact that my team totally ignored my birthday in favor of W's (see this post for a refresher of that).
But to be honest I've been feeling this way for a while.
Last year I met some online 'friends'* in person. Through actions, not words, I was left feeling like they preferred it when I wasn't around. I left with promises from several of them to keep in touch and none of them have. To be fair, neither have I but I don't want to be too annoying so I've not reached out (I lost some friends years ago due to being 'too smothering/clingy' so I go out of my way to not do this).
When I canceled for this year, only one or two responded that they were sad that I wouldn't be there (I wasn't even expecting that). I also feel like they didn't even miss me and would probably not mind if I never showed again.
So, I think I'm just gonna go sit in the corner and do my best to make myself invisible so as to not annoy anyone else ever again.
Oh, if you read this far, you can just ignore that part above about exchanging numbers to help me get my house in order.
*I use quotes because I never really interacted with any of them prior to meeting them.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-06 05:45 pm (UTC)I asked about changing the squee date to accommodate your new schedule but some people had already made plans. Fast little buggars. I still haven't heard back from everyone. If I'm reading you correctly it sounds like you wouldn't be able to come anyway. Maybe for 10?
The reason I'm mentioning all this is because I've wanted to see if you'd like to collaborate on a story crossover/fusion. I was going to wait until I could pick your brain in next year, but we can always do this online - if you're interested.
I'd like to do a story were John has been infected with the quicksilver and he and Rodney have to go to Darren and Bobby for advice and help. But I don't remember a lot of the details of the show. Wanna help? Or shall I just put this crack idea back in the closet?
Good luck on the apartment cleaning and stay well.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-07 12:30 am (UTC)How were you thinking John would become infected by Quicksilver? I'm not sure being infected by it is even possible since it's created by a gland that's implanted in the brain. But I'll help as best as I can.
Also, if I can get a better job, I'm hoping I can attend again this year. But that's a very big if since I haven't heard from any of the companies I've applied to.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-07 12:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-07 01:13 am (UTC)